The (Pessimistic) Reality of Acting

When I entered into acting and was initially met with some small successes, I was so optimistic about the industry. I thought I would be one of those cool lucky ones that Hollywood would embrace with open arms. I had huge starry eyes and everything was just great and dandy. A year and a half later, I'm not so optimistic anymore. I'm finally playing with the big boys, meeting all of the big agencies and big casting directors and today it hit me: this industry is ridiculous!

It doesn't matter that they initially thought you were perfect. It doesn't matter that you paid a ridiculous amount to coach with one of Hollywood's best coaches (who is "exclusive and by referral only"...so silly). It doesn't matter that they loved your reading. It doesn't matter that you did your research for hours. Because, sometimes, despite pouring all of yourself into a role, it comes down to your look. Or your hair color. Or because they think you're too old. Or too young. Or your voice. Or that skirt you're wearing. Or because they already have someone that looks like you.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

People say to grow a tough skin in Hollywood, but I've never been one to take emotions lightly. I love that I can find joy in the smallest things in life (like the fact that I got to park over a freeway with the prettiest view. So awesome). But the flip side is that I feel bad things more greatly than other people too.

I think it's that greater sensitivity that makes me an actress. It doesn't take much motivation for me to really feel emotion. For years I couldn't read a Hallmark card without crying.

All of that works in my favor, until it's time to deal with the business side. The side that says people will reject you and give you a reason for rejecting you that you can't fix. Over and over and over. How does one deal with that without growing a tough skin? And if you become immune to emotion, how can one adequately act?

In addition to all of that confusion, my stakes feel so great. Any one of these series regular roles could be life changing. It's the difference between being a starving artist with two support jobs and being a prosperous working actress. How can someone raise the stakes that much and not expect actors to feel emotion when being rejected?

I don't have the answers and I'm still learning. Learning how to not get attached to projects, though I put hours of preparation into it. Learning how to trust that eventually something will come up that I am right for. Learning how to believe that I will work in this industry again, hopefully in a big way.

This is the real reality of acting. Something I always heard about, but never believed it would happen to me. Something that every actor goes through. Even the ones you think are successful and are frequent bookers.

But despite knowing this first hand, I can't help but still be optimistic about the future. Because I'm a dreamer. I'm an artist. I'm an actor. And I love what I do, rejections and all.