So long UCI

First off, I want to apologize for the lack of posts lately. I have recently redesigned my website and turned it into a Tumblr blog, where I am now frequently posting things. You can check it out at www.dianele.com

However I will of course continue posting more in depth blog posts here, so continue to check back here as well (I know, sorry for all of the confusion!).

So today I went back to my college for the first time in months to take care of some paperwork. As I was walking around I noticed a lot of new faces and a few old familiar ones. When I smiled and said hi to the few old classmates I knew, they simply smiled, acknowledged me and walked on. I was no longer a student here, one of them, but a stranger, a distant memory of some student who went here for a short time. It brought back a flood of negative feelings: feeling outcast, alone, rejected, not good enough for anyone here. The same feelings I had for most of my UCI School of the Arts career (I also attended the School of Business, where I had a completely different, very positive experience).

Yesterday I had an audition for a Marriott commercial and after the audition I went to the Grove to catch up with my friend Sami, who also went to the UCI drama department. I then got a call from my agency for a last minute audition, so Sami and I hung around LA and went to the Beverly Center for food, where we ran into another UCI alumnus.

He was one of the well known, popular kids in the drama department, one of the ones that was frequently cast in shows. He recognized Sami, but I could see it in his eyes...he didn't quite recognize me. And we were in the same major and same graduating class (with each class being about 400 kids, you'd think we would all know each other).

That was my UCI acting experience. I was pretty unhappy with it.

Contrast that with my LA experience, which I'm currently LOVING. My acting teacher and coaches actually believe in me and care about me. When I see people I know at auditions, I don't just get a smile and a nod. I get enthusiasm, hugs and hearty "So how have you been" questions. At every single audition. Even if I haven't seen these people in months. And those that don't know me are so friendly and open to meeting other people.

People often look at my life and comment on how great it is. They are right, I do have a wonderful life and I'm extremely blessed and very thankful. However, my life is so far from ideal. I struggle with rejection, insecurity, and feeling like the outcast. I've never been the "it" girl or anywhere near it. I'm normally the invisible newcomer that no one knows.

But those struggles make me a much better human being and a much better actress. I can understand those complex emotions because I've lived it. I know what it's like to go down a hallway of people hoping to be invisible, because otherwise people would realize that you are friendless. I know what it's like to feel that your teacher doesn't care about you; you aren't her star talent and she just has to go through the motions of trying to teach you acting.

I know. I've been there. Which is why I'm so grateful that I'm out. That's why I'm always thankful for what I now have, because I went without any support or encouragement for so long.

My goal is to never take it for granted and to remain the same person. The person that remembers the struggles.